baby steps

I just heard from my OBGYN and Mike and I are able to have children. It's going to take some work, but we can have them. I will have to watch for when I am ovulating and stuff but that's about it. I am pretty excited about it. I want to get pregnant sometime after August that way I can try to lose as much weight as possible before I get pregnant. The more weight I can lose the easier it will be for me to get pregnant. And this way I can have one last summer to party my ass off. That makes me happy.

YAY!

So I am finally out of my funk. It was so nice to have all of you be so supportive. I don't know what my problem was, but I am all over it now. I am not as skinny as I had hoped but I still look 10 times better than I did a year ago so it's all good.

Depression

You know it's weird, when I was heavy I never realized how freakin' huge I was, but now that I am losing weight I am so aware of my size. You would think with me losing 128 pounds I would feel better about myself, but I don't really. For a while there I was trying to blame my unhappiness on my marriage, but it's not Mike's fault at all, it's all mine. Something is seriously wrong with me. I want to lose all this weight but I won't get my fat butt off of the couch and do some exercise. I really need to though, and I know that, I just can't get motivated. I think that's why I have been so depressed lately. Next month I will be a year out. At a year out I thought I would be at my goal weight, but not so much. I am hoping to lose at least 50 more pounds but that's going to be the toughest 50 pounds to get off. I am going to have to exercise and eat right and that sucks! I think me getting skinner is causing me to get depressed. It's like when I was heavy people didn't expect anything from me and they all thought I was a total loser, now they expect more from me. In turn, I am starting to expect more from me. This is all so odd for me. I have never before in my life been depressed so it's a weird feeling for me and I am not quite sure how to shake it. I am hoping I can work through it, but if not I may need to see counseling. I am not super depressed like the people who think about killing themselves or anything, but I am a little down. sorry I had to get it off of my chest.

Sunday in the ER

This 'mom' comes in and is in a panic because she thinks her baby has a cold.....I am sorry did she just say cold? Yes that's right, she really thought that a cold was an emergency. I mean really, it could have waited till Monday and she could have taken her to her primary care physicians but apparently that is too much thinking for her little head. So I have the Mom start filling out the paperwork for her child and the Mom stops and asks "umm...does Medicaid cover this?" I advised that yes they cover and ER visit. She goes on to tell me that while she was pregnant she came in a couple of times for observation and that Medicaid doesn't cover that and now she is drowning in medical debt. I told she just needed to send in $5 a month every single month and that way it will show being paid on her credit report. She kept going on and on about how they didn't cover her visits. The whole time she telling the stories she keeps sniffing and sniffing and sniffing. So I asked her if she needed to be seen as well, and she said she felt fine, she was just worried about the baby. So she is out in the waiting room waiting to be triaged and she won't shut up. She is talking to every single patient waiting to be seen. All the patients keep looking back at me with this 'HELP ME PLEASE' look but there is nothing I can do to make her shut up. Finally after two hours of me observing her rambling in the ER I am convinced she is a tweeker. The girl was super thin, talked super fast,kept sniffing and wouldn't shut the fuck up. I could be wrong, but I doubt it.

I also had some bleached blonde chick decided to send her grandmother up to cuss me out because she was having to wait. Hello you fucking idiots...it's an ER. We are busy, we always are especially on Sunday's, so get over it. If it's nothing major go to a med center, unless you have Medicaid cuz they won't accept it. So if it's not an EMERGENCY wait till Monday and go to the doctor. IDIOTS. I love them.

7 a.m. and Perky?

We had a mandatory staff meeting on Saturday at 7 a.m. I walked in the meeting wearing my ever stylish blue fleece snowflake pajama pants and a long sleeve blue v-neck shirt. I was hot and I knew it. Everyone in the room said..."Good morning pajama girl." I am sorry but they want me there at 7 am and they expect to get fully clothed? That is so not happening. The meeting was two hours long and basically wasted my time. I didn't come out of that meeting with any more info than when I went in.

Till Death Do We Part?

I got married a year and a half ago and sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing. I know that makes me sound like a horrible person, but that's really how I feel. My husband is an awesome man, but I have to ask myself...'Am I truly happy?' He bends over backwards to make me happy but yet I still feel like our marriage is missing something. Like last night for example, I chose sleep over sex, and that use to never happen. I don't know what's wrong with me. Mike is a great guy but I still find myself wondering if I can get better or get some one with more money and ambition. Money should not be that important to me, but it is. I love Mike, there is no doubt about that, I am just not sure this whole marriage thing is for me. Maybe I am too selfish to ever be married and have a family.

Become One With Nature

This past weekend MJ and I stayed in a cabin on Ft. Gibson Lake with some friends. We had a good time, I wish we could have gotten down there earlier on Friday night, but oh well. We got the cabins dirt cheap, we only had to pay $12 for the whole weekend! That's a good deal. Then we only had to pay $15 for food so we got the hook up. The cabins over looked Ft. Gibson Lake, it was so pretty. Bella, my puppy, loved being outdoors, she hated coming inside. But I think the weekend trip helped potty train her so that is a big plus! The only thing I didn't like about the weekend trip was that Mike and I stayed in the living room and Megan got the bedroom with the door. I think we should have gotten the bedroom with the door. That way Megan couldn't tell me I couldn't have sex in the cabin, which she did tell me. She said we weren't allowed to do it while she was in the cabin but yet she was trying to get Joe to sleep over at our cabin on Saturday night so they could have sex....I don't think so! If I can't have sex with my husband then there is no way in hell she is going to just fuck some guy she just met a few weeks back, sorry not happening.

Next up....Out Of Control Teens

Sunday a 13 year old girl came in because she had taken 41 cough,cold and congestion pills. She said she and some friends stole them from the Dollar Store and then took them to get "really high". Her so called "friends" were 27 year old guys and their names sounded like the names of dealers, not friends. She said she passed out on the couch at one of their house's and woke up with blood on her legs at some point, so my guess is, they raped her. Why else would 27 year old guys hang out with a 13 year old. And she was so stupid she was defending them saying they were her friends and they were good guys. First off if they were good guys, they wouldn't have told a 13 year old girl that popping 41 triple c's was a great way to get high, secondly, they wouldn't have let her hang with them in the first place and thirdly once she did pop the pills and started to pass out and start bleeding or what have you, they would have taken her to a hospital, but they didn't..so they are not nice guys at all. The girl's Father was totally disgusted with her and didn't even want to be in the ER room with her. Since her Father had reported her as a run away the cops had to come up and examine the girl. The officer said she had done more than just take some pills, but the girl kept lying about it, so we had to drug test her and pump her stomach and all that fun stuff. We don't do rape kits here so I am not sure if she was raped or not but my guess is she was. It's so sad.

Hello 2006!

For New Years Mike (MJ) and I attended a party at Bobbi's house. My brother and Shawna came with us as well. I had a good time. It was fun, everyone was there. Bobbi,Roland,Kandee,Harold,Anthony,Emmy,Jamie,Jason,Michelle,Cherokee (sis), her boyfriend and a bunch of 17 year old annoying high school kids, and some other guys but I can't remember their names. I was pretty drunk, but I had fun. We hung out at Bobbi's till like 2 am or so and then we went to Tracy and Nicole's, but it was pretty damn boring there and we headed home.

My resolution this year is to just get healthy and be happier. MJ says he isn't going to make one because he knows he never keeps them. lol I don't ever keep mine either.