Depression
You know it's weird, when I was heavy I never realized how freakin' huge I was, but now that I am losing weight I am so aware of my size. You would think with me losing 128 pounds I would feel better about myself, but I don't really. For a while there I was trying to blame my unhappiness on my marriage, but it's not Mike's fault at all, it's all mine. Something is seriously wrong with me. I want to lose all this weight but I won't get my fat butt off of the couch and do some exercise. I really need to though, and I know that, I just can't get motivated. I think that's why I have been so depressed lately. Next month I will be a year out. At a year out I thought I would be at my goal weight, but not so much. I am hoping to lose at least 50 more pounds but that's going to be the toughest 50 pounds to get off. I am going to have to exercise and eat right and that sucks! I think me getting skinner is causing me to get depressed. It's like when I was heavy people didn't expect anything from me and they all thought I was a total loser, now they expect more from me. In turn, I am starting to expect more from me. This is all so odd for me. I have never before in my life been depressed so it's a weird feeling for me and I am not quite sure how to shake it. I am hoping I can work through it, but if not I may need to see counseling. I am not super depressed like the people who think about killing themselves or anything, but I am a little down. sorry I had to get it off of my chest.
posted by Pokey at 3:38 PM
3 Comments:
This is a bad time of year anyway. My brother weighs about 380 and I'm a relatively fit 220. Were both the same heigth at 6' but he gets treated as the "fat guy". This is frustrating for both of us. I figure that there is part of him, like you say, that is used to being fat, even though he wishes he weren't. I imagine that one would have to go through a period of identity reconcilitation, morphilogical recognition (that's me?) and putting up with other's jealousy when one loses a great deal of weight.
Congratulations on going as far as you have. That's quite an achievement.
Thank you so much for your support. This is proving to be harder than I thought it would be. I never thought I would feel like I am losing myself, but that's how I am feeling. It's like I have lost my security blanket. I am not quite sure how to deal with it. It's really odd.
Christy, I left you a comment on this on your other blogger - your journey one. Please go read it. :)
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